House: “Swollen joints, high white count, fever, conjunctivitis – anyone?”

Taub and Foreman [in men's room stalls]: “Seriously?”

House: “What – you two can’t think and poop at the same time?”
~Recession Proof

“Need some intel on this charity event on Friday night. If I go, do I have to actually give money to charity?”
~Recession Proof

House: “I want to do something nice for my girlfriend.”

Wilson: “You never do anything nice unless it stands to benefit you.”

House: “I realize three failed marriages can leave a man twisted and bitter inside. But in a good relationship, people sometimes do things for each other.”
~Recession Proof

Cuddy: “It’s my toothbrush. And it’s not just once. And it’s not like I even care, but you totally destroy it. You’re supposed to brush with it, not gnaw on it like a rawhide bone.”

House: “I think Miss Four Cavities’ time would be better spent copying Mr. No Cavities than complaining about him.”
~Two Stories

“If porn was bad, why would there be so many nuns in it?”
~Two Stories

Ms. Corwin: “Wait, so you tried to fix your relationship by stealing her computer?”

House: “Well, when you say it like that . . . yes.”
~Two Stories

House: “Who password-protects a computer they keep in a locked desk in a locked office?”

Masters: “Someone who works with someone who thinks it’s OK to break into other people’s homes?”
~Two Stories

Student: “Isn’t that like sexual harassment?”

House: “Not if you’re good-looking.”
~Two Stories

House: “Just in time for lunch.”

Cuddy: “If by ‘lunch’ you mean a conference call with the Board, and by ‘just in time’ you mean 20 minutes late.’ “

House: “I meant ‘sex.’ “
~Two Stories

House: “How often do you use your vibrator?”

Woman: “Excuse me?

House: “Your battery-operated Brad Pitt. After giving the gift of life to six eight-pound-four-ounce wrecking balls, I think I can safely assume it’s an industrial-strength model.”
~Two Stories